"I KNOW that she only has a problem with me because I'm married."
"Well, most times, single women DO have issues."
"Is it wrong to want to take a minute to improve myself before I get in a relationship?"
I found myself playing devil's advocate in a conversation on women and envy the other day. The funny thing is there were two advocates defending married women, one man agreeing that women can't get over stuff "They're like velcro" he said, and four other women pretty much silent (three were single). Basically, the argument was that single women (or a lot of them) have a problem with married women.
"Like I don't know what you go through. Maybe some days I wish I WAS by myself, you don't know." One woman explained how a lot of single people make an assumption about married people (women in particular).
After listening to these women (old enough to be my grandmothers) I decided to jump in. My argument is this:
For many women (I don't know about guys) we are judged by our marital status. Identified and validated by whether or not we have a man. Forget whether or not the man's good, he just has to be there -sometimes. It's so bad it's to the point where after having a bad experience and a woman chooses to sit out and take the time to reflect, learn from her mistakes, and try to become a better person, to love herself, she gets funny looks. The response? "Well, usually there IS something wrong with her."
The only thing that's wrong when a person chooses to first love themselves, know themselves, and become a better person is the backward comments he/she receives. "Oh you just full of yourself." "You're so egotistical." When did it become crazy to try and be a better person? And WHAT is wrong with this society when that's looked down upon?
Okay, I'm no fan of 'The Cat Lady' either. But anyone who steps back form romance to deeply reflect, love themselves, and love God is a freakin genius in my book. I really wish there were public forums on this topic. People get so heated defending their chosen lifestyles.
When you don't love yourself, that's a problem. If you can't love yourself and be with someone, by all means, chill out and ride solo. This makes me think of those people who end up getting married, who are not mature enough to handle business in their daily lives, then end up having screwed up kids. THEN people complain about their kids! Excuse me, but they came from somewhere.
Maybe we just need to look at our spiritual reflections a little more, and worry about having a warm body a little less.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Societal Starvation
When was the last time 200k houses were surrounded by liqour stores and Popeye's fast food chains? Unfortunately, these areas thrive in low income places. Why? Because the state doesn't give a damn about kids living off of WIC assistance and people on Medicaid. So what controls it? Zoning laws. It isn't a simple case of "Well, that's just the way it is." People fail to realize that there are things called city plans. Did your city PLAN to have a poor schooling system? Did your city PLAN to have an area with high crime? Without a playground or recreatioal center -and stray dogs roaming around any place that does happen to have one- crime could be an attrative hobby. So what are WE doing to change these facts?
Sometimes you have to wonder, who is pulling the strings, really. Who runs things? And are we doing everything that we can to make improvements?
Is it really a coincidence that the areas with high obesity rates, high crime, poor education, and a lack of access to healthcare are also the ones without a place to buy groceries? Is it an even bigger coincidence that these same places are populated by low income families and minorities? Umm...no.
"What do you mean? That's ridiculous. I mean, who can't buy a tomatoe?"
That's actually along the lines of what a public health student said in a class a friend of mine was attending. You gotta wonder, THESE are the people who will be in charge of eliminating health disparities? There is a blind eye to social injustices in public health and other arenas. What would make anyone confident that a politician has more insight into what the community needs to live a productive life than a public health student? If you aren't properly educated in social determinants of health (where you live, your education...etc) then you're probably blind to the causal factors that affect these communities.
SN: Shout out to Morehouse School of Medicine, the leader in Community Health!
When did we decide that it was OK to let some kids succeed and set others up for failure? Not to say that a kid from a low income, minority family background can't succeed despite these factors, but when is it OK to turn a blind eye to issues staring us in the face? When they don't affect us? Well, news flash, they affect everyone.
When we let some kids harbor all of the opportunities they could ask for and steal these same opportunities away from other kids, everyone suffers. Communities with a majority of individuals with assisted living benefits are not coincidentally places of crime and poor schools. Do you really think a person who gets burglarized had their property stolen by a neighbor in perfect health, with a great education, and a steady job? It's possible, but not very likely.
When you take away opportunity, you set the whole society up for failure.
When you neglect issues surrounding healthcare, the whole community is sick.
When you remove sources of fresh fruits and vegetables, a whole generation is obese.
When you have poor schools in one area, the whole nation has poor education reports.
One community affected by high crime rates means there are other communities affected by high crime rates.
We don't live in bubbles. Investing in his kids, and her kids, means we're investing in our own kids. Improving neighborhoods across the tracks improves our own neighborhood. If we can say these issues arise out of selfishness and greed, then let's talk greedy.
Since when does it benefit an economy to have generational poverty? Mother, daughter, and grandmother, on assisted living. Excuse me, but aren't those your tax dollars paying to support them? If you want to be greedy, let's paint the picture. Allowing communities to fail brings down our economy. A lack in human capital means there are intelligent and capable people who weren't given a chance to succeed to their full potential. That means while we are short on doctors, at the same time we are stealing away the dreams of becoming the next Surgeon General from countless kids. While we are struggling in our economy, at the same time we are creating an environment that imprisons families to cyclical poverty where people rely on assisted living programs.
If people want to be greedy, at least take a look at the whole picture. Productive members of society means that we have more human capital which means our economy is stronger. Communities that are effectively drained of all resources, food deserts, and educational deserts do NOT make us money and do NOT improve our society.
I wish greedy people weren't so stupid.
Sometimes you have to wonder, who is pulling the strings, really. Who runs things? And are we doing everything that we can to make improvements?
Is it really a coincidence that the areas with high obesity rates, high crime, poor education, and a lack of access to healthcare are also the ones without a place to buy groceries? Is it an even bigger coincidence that these same places are populated by low income families and minorities? Umm...no.
"What do you mean? That's ridiculous. I mean, who can't buy a tomatoe?"
That's actually along the lines of what a public health student said in a class a friend of mine was attending. You gotta wonder, THESE are the people who will be in charge of eliminating health disparities? There is a blind eye to social injustices in public health and other arenas. What would make anyone confident that a politician has more insight into what the community needs to live a productive life than a public health student? If you aren't properly educated in social determinants of health (where you live, your education...etc) then you're probably blind to the causal factors that affect these communities.
SN: Shout out to Morehouse School of Medicine, the leader in Community Health!
When did we decide that it was OK to let some kids succeed and set others up for failure? Not to say that a kid from a low income, minority family background can't succeed despite these factors, but when is it OK to turn a blind eye to issues staring us in the face? When they don't affect us? Well, news flash, they affect everyone.
When we let some kids harbor all of the opportunities they could ask for and steal these same opportunities away from other kids, everyone suffers. Communities with a majority of individuals with assisted living benefits are not coincidentally places of crime and poor schools. Do you really think a person who gets burglarized had their property stolen by a neighbor in perfect health, with a great education, and a steady job? It's possible, but not very likely.
When you take away opportunity, you set the whole society up for failure.
When you neglect issues surrounding healthcare, the whole community is sick.
When you remove sources of fresh fruits and vegetables, a whole generation is obese.
When you have poor schools in one area, the whole nation has poor education reports.
One community affected by high crime rates means there are other communities affected by high crime rates.
We don't live in bubbles. Investing in his kids, and her kids, means we're investing in our own kids. Improving neighborhoods across the tracks improves our own neighborhood. If we can say these issues arise out of selfishness and greed, then let's talk greedy.
Since when does it benefit an economy to have generational poverty? Mother, daughter, and grandmother, on assisted living. Excuse me, but aren't those your tax dollars paying to support them? If you want to be greedy, let's paint the picture. Allowing communities to fail brings down our economy. A lack in human capital means there are intelligent and capable people who weren't given a chance to succeed to their full potential. That means while we are short on doctors, at the same time we are stealing away the dreams of becoming the next Surgeon General from countless kids. While we are struggling in our economy, at the same time we are creating an environment that imprisons families to cyclical poverty where people rely on assisted living programs.
If people want to be greedy, at least take a look at the whole picture. Productive members of society means that we have more human capital which means our economy is stronger. Communities that are effectively drained of all resources, food deserts, and educational deserts do NOT make us money and do NOT improve our society.
I wish greedy people weren't so stupid.
If you have a kid...
"I can't control him. He won't stop crying until he gets another burger."
I remember when I first saw an episode of Oprah, or maybe it was the Ricky Lake show where I initially saw it, with obese children. I mean, 4 year old kids that weight more than most 10 year old kids. And babies that can't fit into strollers, they're so big. I remember hearing the sorry excuses from the parents "He eats what he wants." Since when does a 4 year old buy groceries?
I'm sorry, but if you're toddler is obese, you should get some sort of ticket or be brought up on charges. Obesity is one of the major reasons why people predict this generation to not live longer than their parents. Allowing, enabling, and promoting kids to be obese is effectively saying "I don't care if they live or die", unacceptable. This was probably one of the most disturbing childhood memories I have of issues that really got under my skin, even as a young teen.
I wonder what could possibly be going through some one's head to debilitate their child's life in such a way. Honestly, I've babysat for some pretty bad kids in my day, but NO kid has ever made me wanna shove a burger down his/her throat. why on earth would a parent do that to shut their kid up or keep them from whining?
My conclusion is that there isn't malice behind it. In fact, I believe these parents really do just want to make their kids happy -apart from possibly having selfish reasons behind their kids not being able to run around the house breaking stuff and crying all day. There are some severe psychological issues to be examined in extreme cases like this. If these issues are occurring in a household then there needs to be some sort of counseling or FAA (food-aholics anonymous, no joke) type of thing. I'm so glad the First Lady has fighting childhood obesity at the top of her list. If only more schools would take out candies and processed, high-sodium canned foods. And maybe a parenting class on proper nutrition at the local library?
Small steps are fine and a necessary start. But the bottom line is we can't sit back, open up a packet of ketchup, and watch our kids die.
I remember when I first saw an episode of Oprah, or maybe it was the Ricky Lake show where I initially saw it, with obese children. I mean, 4 year old kids that weight more than most 10 year old kids. And babies that can't fit into strollers, they're so big. I remember hearing the sorry excuses from the parents "He eats what he wants." Since when does a 4 year old buy groceries?
I'm sorry, but if you're toddler is obese, you should get some sort of ticket or be brought up on charges. Obesity is one of the major reasons why people predict this generation to not live longer than their parents. Allowing, enabling, and promoting kids to be obese is effectively saying "I don't care if they live or die", unacceptable. This was probably one of the most disturbing childhood memories I have of issues that really got under my skin, even as a young teen.
I wonder what could possibly be going through some one's head to debilitate their child's life in such a way. Honestly, I've babysat for some pretty bad kids in my day, but NO kid has ever made me wanna shove a burger down his/her throat. why on earth would a parent do that to shut their kid up or keep them from whining?
My conclusion is that there isn't malice behind it. In fact, I believe these parents really do just want to make their kids happy -apart from possibly having selfish reasons behind their kids not being able to run around the house breaking stuff and crying all day. There are some severe psychological issues to be examined in extreme cases like this. If these issues are occurring in a household then there needs to be some sort of counseling or FAA (food-aholics anonymous, no joke) type of thing. I'm so glad the First Lady has fighting childhood obesity at the top of her list. If only more schools would take out candies and processed, high-sodium canned foods. And maybe a parenting class on proper nutrition at the local library?
Small steps are fine and a necessary start. But the bottom line is we can't sit back, open up a packet of ketchup, and watch our kids die.
When times get tough...
Have you ever met someone who was so willing to quit? For instance, they make a huge (maybe unrealistic) plan for something and start day dreaming. And when they finally get up to do something as soon as a glitch pops up, they sit back down. Why is that?
What is it about dreaming, planning, and executing a plan that makes people sit back down? When times get tough, someone needs to step up, not sit down. What makes people so afraid of success? Some may say it's harder to be successful than just complacent with whatever your situation is. Personally, I would be extremely uneasy knowing that I had an ounce of effort left in me and I didn't give something 100%.
There was a guy I knew who liked me. I wasn't so sure about reciprocating feelings but we hung out a couple times, he was nice. One day we were eating and hanging out and a picture of a 200k+ house comes up somewhere or another. "Man, I would have to win the lottery for something like that. Damn that's nice" he said. Needless to say, we were never an item. If you can't even dream big enough to make a plan to accomplish your goal or get something "nice" for you or your family, what's the point? Pay bills, live in debt, then die? Umm...I don't think so.
While we're on dreaming, what about the opposite extreme? The people who ONLY dream big and always TALK about their big goals in life and how far they will go. Where do they go? My GPS once told me "The destination is essentially the same place as your current location. Go 0.0 miles." Yeah, people who only dream and don't take action go no where. Setting a goal, making a plan, and failing is better than sitting down in the same spot everyday.
Go to work. Come home. Eat. Sleep. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Sleep.
Most people hate their job and consider it some place full of ill intentioned people. And then aren't happy with their home situation either. Instead of maybe looking for another way to have a career or another job in the same field, or even a new way to use your current skills, most people chill. Instead of talking to your significant other and discussing exactly what makes the relationship unfulfilling and putting in the work to make it better, most people just settle, or do less admirable things even.
What's the point of the inhale exhale if you aren't really living?
The first step is to visualize the goal. Second is to make it real, write an affirmation (i.e. "I have a job, that I love, that pays me over $55,000 a year on March 23rd, 2012"). Third is to set up action steps and deadlines. Fourth is to get out there and do it!
And let's not forget about the people who are dream stealers and hate to see someone doing well. "Why you wanna do that for? This ain't good enough for you?"
Try, "Umm, no, it's not good enough. Because I know I can do better. And I know I WILL do better. So could you if you put in the work too."
Get rid of the dream stealers in your social circle. If someone doesn't want you to do well they will only convince you that your destination IS the same place as your current location and why would you want to go anywhere else anyway?
We should never be afraid to dream. We deserve nice things in our lives. And we are fully capable of achieving our goals, being the person we want to be, and having the life we want to live.
What is it about dreaming, planning, and executing a plan that makes people sit back down? When times get tough, someone needs to step up, not sit down. What makes people so afraid of success? Some may say it's harder to be successful than just complacent with whatever your situation is. Personally, I would be extremely uneasy knowing that I had an ounce of effort left in me and I didn't give something 100%.
There was a guy I knew who liked me. I wasn't so sure about reciprocating feelings but we hung out a couple times, he was nice. One day we were eating and hanging out and a picture of a 200k+ house comes up somewhere or another. "Man, I would have to win the lottery for something like that. Damn that's nice" he said. Needless to say, we were never an item. If you can't even dream big enough to make a plan to accomplish your goal or get something "nice" for you or your family, what's the point? Pay bills, live in debt, then die? Umm...I don't think so.
While we're on dreaming, what about the opposite extreme? The people who ONLY dream big and always TALK about their big goals in life and how far they will go. Where do they go? My GPS once told me "The destination is essentially the same place as your current location. Go 0.0 miles." Yeah, people who only dream and don't take action go no where. Setting a goal, making a plan, and failing is better than sitting down in the same spot everyday.
Go to work. Come home. Eat. Sleep. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Sleep.
Most people hate their job and consider it some place full of ill intentioned people. And then aren't happy with their home situation either. Instead of maybe looking for another way to have a career or another job in the same field, or even a new way to use your current skills, most people chill. Instead of talking to your significant other and discussing exactly what makes the relationship unfulfilling and putting in the work to make it better, most people just settle, or do less admirable things even.
What's the point of the inhale exhale if you aren't really living?
The first step is to visualize the goal. Second is to make it real, write an affirmation (i.e. "I have a job, that I love, that pays me over $55,000 a year on March 23rd, 2012"). Third is to set up action steps and deadlines. Fourth is to get out there and do it!
And let's not forget about the people who are dream stealers and hate to see someone doing well. "Why you wanna do that for? This ain't good enough for you?"
Try, "Umm, no, it's not good enough. Because I know I can do better. And I know I WILL do better. So could you if you put in the work too."
Get rid of the dream stealers in your social circle. If someone doesn't want you to do well they will only convince you that your destination IS the same place as your current location and why would you want to go anywhere else anyway?
We should never be afraid to dream. We deserve nice things in our lives. And we are fully capable of achieving our goals, being the person we want to be, and having the life we want to live.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
New Year's Resolution for a Lifetime
This was my New Year's Resolution note-to-self from 2009...
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"Our deppest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Nelson Mandela
How many times have you witnessed somebody hating so hard on the fact that you’re on top of what you need to be doing and you’re doing it well?
How many times have you shied away from a task because people think you’re doing it with ulterior motives?
How many times have you secretly praised God out of fear that someone might look at you funny?
It’s easy to put people down. It’s easy to be jealous. It’s easy to talk bad about somebody to make up for your own insecurities.
What’s hard is swallowing the fact that nobody is perfect but everyone has something unique to contribute to the world. Everyone has something to offer. Everyone has a God-given talent. It’s your job to develop yours and use it in the way that God intended.
What’s hard is doing just that. Ignoring the jealousy. Ignoring the smirks, snide remarks, and underestimation. It’s hard to remember that when all you see is negativity, what you don’t see is God’s strength that is getting you through it all.
You only live once. Don’t hold back. Go after what God wants you to have.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"Our deppest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Nelson Mandela
How many times have you witnessed somebody hating so hard on the fact that you’re on top of what you need to be doing and you’re doing it well?
How many times have you shied away from a task because people think you’re doing it with ulterior motives?
How many times have you secretly praised God out of fear that someone might look at you funny?
It’s easy to put people down. It’s easy to be jealous. It’s easy to talk bad about somebody to make up for your own insecurities.
What’s hard is swallowing the fact that nobody is perfect but everyone has something unique to contribute to the world. Everyone has something to offer. Everyone has a God-given talent. It’s your job to develop yours and use it in the way that God intended.
What’s hard is doing just that. Ignoring the jealousy. Ignoring the smirks, snide remarks, and underestimation. It’s hard to remember that when all you see is negativity, what you don’t see is God’s strength that is getting you through it all.
You only live once. Don’t hold back. Go after what God wants you to have.
If you don't love yourself...
I wanted to ease my way in, but hell, why lie? Life's tough.
"I just need somebody. I feel like crap."
"I feel so alone."
"I'm sick of these dogs. Why can't I just find a good man?"
"If only I could find that perfect someone...life would be great."
To these comments I say, bull! Stop lying to yourself! Someone else is NOT going to make things better. The simple fact is...you ready?....only YOU can make YOUR life better. So you've been hurt. So you've had some hard times..etc. That's OK. It doesn't mean you are tarnished. "Bad" experiences are opportunities to discover something about yourself.
Maybe you've been taken advantage of because you really ARE too caring. So much so, that when you enter into a relationship (platonic or romantic) you put the other person first. Big mistake. Being selfish is not what I am advocating, I'm advocating for you. There comes a time when you have to look in the mirror, take off your rose-colored shades, and say "Hey, I'm a little messed up. How can I become a better person? How can I truly be happy?"
Here is what I propose.
1) Stop LYING to yourself! No, sorry, you cannot blame someone 100% for treating you like crap for five years (or however long). The simple fact is, honestly speaking, you LET them mistreat you for that amount of time. Because after the first time he says "Bitch, get me some coffee" or the first time she steals your credit card to buy something for her other lover, you reaaallyyy should have been picking up on the clues, not making excuses for him/her.
2) Start LOVING yourself. The fact is, God made all of us unique and wonderful, and fabulous, and FULL of awesome things to offer the world. If you're sensitive then you can hone in on how someone else is feeling. That's great. You know how to read when your boss is pissed and when you should stay away. But you could also be taking criticism to heart instead of accepting flaws or realizing that some people just like putting others down. Start viewing the positive side of all of your gifts, even the shortcomings are valuable in some way.
3) Let's face it, I don't have a degree in this stuff. I just know from my short time on this earth that I've seen some repetition in living a lie and covering up shortcomings and denial with romantic fallacies and excuses. I know for sure that those first two steps are a sure fire way to get started on a good foot instead of ending up getting your toes stepped on.
Long story short, nobody seems to want to be alone. That's cool. We aren't meant to live in solitude or in a silo even. We have these unique gifts to share with others and learn about others. But it's a problem when people become masochistic/sadistic and twist things into something they were never intended to be (i.e. marriage is a partnership, NOT a prison-esque union. And having a significant other is an aspect OF your life, it doesn't DEFINE who you are).
Don't get me wrong, I'm a work in progress and can only speak after having seen mistakes, made mistakes, and going through a long, grueling, and reiterative process of self improvement.
Whew! I can breathe now. Thanks for that.
"I just need somebody. I feel like crap."
"I feel so alone."
"I'm sick of these dogs. Why can't I just find a good man?"
"If only I could find that perfect someone...life would be great."
To these comments I say, bull! Stop lying to yourself! Someone else is NOT going to make things better. The simple fact is...you ready?....only YOU can make YOUR life better. So you've been hurt. So you've had some hard times..etc. That's OK. It doesn't mean you are tarnished. "Bad" experiences are opportunities to discover something about yourself.
Maybe you've been taken advantage of because you really ARE too caring. So much so, that when you enter into a relationship (platonic or romantic) you put the other person first. Big mistake. Being selfish is not what I am advocating, I'm advocating for you. There comes a time when you have to look in the mirror, take off your rose-colored shades, and say "Hey, I'm a little messed up. How can I become a better person? How can I truly be happy?"
Here is what I propose.
1) Stop LYING to yourself! No, sorry, you cannot blame someone 100% for treating you like crap for five years (or however long). The simple fact is, honestly speaking, you LET them mistreat you for that amount of time. Because after the first time he says "Bitch, get me some coffee" or the first time she steals your credit card to buy something for her other lover, you reaaallyyy should have been picking up on the clues, not making excuses for him/her.
2) Start LOVING yourself. The fact is, God made all of us unique and wonderful, and fabulous, and FULL of awesome things to offer the world. If you're sensitive then you can hone in on how someone else is feeling. That's great. You know how to read when your boss is pissed and when you should stay away. But you could also be taking criticism to heart instead of accepting flaws or realizing that some people just like putting others down. Start viewing the positive side of all of your gifts, even the shortcomings are valuable in some way.
3) Let's face it, I don't have a degree in this stuff. I just know from my short time on this earth that I've seen some repetition in living a lie and covering up shortcomings and denial with romantic fallacies and excuses. I know for sure that those first two steps are a sure fire way to get started on a good foot instead of ending up getting your toes stepped on.
Long story short, nobody seems to want to be alone. That's cool. We aren't meant to live in solitude or in a silo even. We have these unique gifts to share with others and learn about others. But it's a problem when people become masochistic/sadistic and twist things into something they were never intended to be (i.e. marriage is a partnership, NOT a prison-esque union. And having a significant other is an aspect OF your life, it doesn't DEFINE who you are).
Don't get me wrong, I'm a work in progress and can only speak after having seen mistakes, made mistakes, and going through a long, grueling, and reiterative process of self improvement.
Whew! I can breathe now. Thanks for that.
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